Sunday, November 2, 2014

Incomplete Letters #4

It is 3 at night, I’m done reading some parts of Kafka’s Letters to Felice and Milena. They ignited my imagination, so I end up writing a letter that I will never send, it will join another 1000 letters I wrote and never sent. They irony of Kafka’s letters, they were written, sent, and read, but they were never supposed to be published, despite that violation of Kafka’s privacy, his letters didn’t go to waste, they fulfilled their propose and destiny, “Written, Sent, and Read” this is the life cycle of a perfect letter, when I go through my 1000 unsent letters I think to myself; are they really letters? If they are kept into folders, does that make them letters? Or they’re just words, documents, meaningless, and waste of time! 

My unsent letters reminds me of my unspoken words, I had so many things to tell her, but I never said a word, and now all the words are rusty, even when I want to speak them I mutter and stutter, and the words don’t make any sense anymore….

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Incomplete Letter #3

I asked a friend where should I take you out in London? I didn't want to seem lost even though that was going to be my first visit to London, I wanted to have a plan. "She's a unique girl, feminine yet strong, artist and a bit geeky, I would not call her cool girl, because I hate the word "cool" but she is a special lady, she is one of a kind." I said to my friend, after a long conversation about what you might like and what you might want to see we came up with this: I take you out in London, show you the the city’s finest details; it’s royal architecture, its urban streets, it’s secret gardens. My friend said we must spend time in London’s beautiful parks and gardens because it's not only a therapeutic experience but what considered truly enjoyable, and that is when I suggested London Zoo, I always wanted to visit it, when I was a kid my grandmother told me so many stories about the beautiful animals they have there, and since then it was on my list! my friend protested when I mentioned my zoo plans and said: the fragrance of english roses and the numerous benches placed in the sweetest spots to ensure maximum connection between couples are perfection, fuck the zoo, take her to a park, take her to the river; you’re guaranteed a stroll filled with amusement as you discover events and acts, people entertaining tourists on the Southbank and Waterloo. Then I remembered how much you loved Les Miserables, we just had Les Mis musical in Seattle, and it was beautiful, but what's even better we had the Lion King, I didn't go see it, but the reviews were off the roof. I told my friend all that, and also mentioned you are a big fan of art, "wait a second, let me think" my friend said, then she said "spend time together in a state of forced silence as you visit Royal Albert hall or one of London’s amazing theatres. Watch the ballet or an opera."  I thought to myself Les Mis is too depressing, I should take you watch the lion king I love fantasy and humor, and you love Disney. I was so proud of myself because of this idea. "What about food?" I pleaded, I think I was so hungry then, because I asked the question angrily. My friend started to suggest fine dining in places like Mayfair; Berkeley street, Chelsea, Kensington, Knightsbridge and Devonshire square. Places such as Gaucho, Kensington Roof Gardens, Nobu, Novikov, Hakassan, Beach Blanket Babylon, Buddha Bar, Sketch & Kenza etc. As my friend was listing these names, I was taking screenshots to make sure I won't lose the names, but I was so lost myself, and very confused, I told myself I need to google each and every one of these restaurants, and after I learn what each place serves I will put steakhouses and Japanese restaurants on top of the list. "But what about if we wanted to have a quit conversation?" I asked again,    "Have coffee in Covent Garden." My friend said like I know where this Covent Garden at!. You said she's an artist and love art, do you think she'll enjoy Museums? My friend asked. Of course she does, or at least I think she do, actually yes she does, every now and then when we talk she mentions the events she goes to, and they are always art and culture related, I said. London has stunning museums and galleries which hold precious pieces of artwork to have you inspired and intrigued. I especially like the natural history museum, V&A and The Saatchi Gallery in chelsea on the Kings Road. The natural history museum and Somerset house open ice rinks, the atmosphere is truly magical. London holds so much beauty in it’s secret streets and busy roads. It’s a city of bright lights and peace. It’s a paradox filled with life. I thanked my friend for her time, and started working on my future plans in the beautiful city of bright lights with the beautiful lady of my dreams. All I wanted is take photos at famous places and not so famous places and I wanted to kiss you in secret streets, and busy roads we will never forget, I wanted to get lost with you in that city and walk until our feet hurt and we can't walk anymore and just sit in the middle of nowhere, and talk about how my plans for having a perfect time didn't work, but still getting lost with you is better than any perfect plan. But we did not get lost, we did not kiss in secret streets, we didn't go to any museum, we didn't experience fine dining together, we didn't even met. Despite my failure plans, each time you mentioned one of the places I got on my list it made me happy. 

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Is it possible?

Is it possible to think of nothing? Is it something we can achieve? Is there a state of mind we can reach to think of nothing? Is it possible when we lay in bed and close our eyes we don't see anything? Just see a blank page, It doesn't matter what color the page is, just a blank page! I don't know if this is the case for everyone, but when I go to bed every night and I close my eyes the back of my eyelids turns into a screen, a screen with negative colors, usually black and cyan, I see on this screen memories, ideas, and thoughts, the newest technology that was added to my eyelids screen is "Closed Caption"! When I close my eyes and remember what did I talk about with my friend last weekend the memories starts to stream without any audio but with closed caption! 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Incomplete Letter #2

Here I am writing you another letter, it’s been awhile though since I wrote you one. why am writing you? Maybe it is just because I want to feel a little better. 
It is Saturday today, I spent the night away, I was on auto-pilot though, went out, met with friends, had random conversations, I was just going with the flow. Spacing out, closing in, life is feeling like the movie “Groundhog Day” every day is a copy of the previous day, same feelings, nothing is healing, same jokes, same same same same, everything is the same, even the new people I meet are the same. 
Sometimes I feel like I have felt everything I’m ever going to feel and from here on out, I’m not going to feel anything new, just a lesser version of what I already felt, Do you know what do I mean? What I felt with you was the highest point of feelings I can have,  with you I was up in the clouds, even higher, everything after you is so much lower than how things were when you were part of my life. I tell myself this life I’m living is not what I wanted, this is not what I want today, or tomorrow, what I really want is you, but then I tell myself the past is just a story, most stories we read then we forget, but this story I deeply love, I’m scared I might get to the last chapter, so I’m reading it slowly now, one word at a time, I want to write another chapter, but life, God, the tied, luck, or all are going against me, 

Incomplete Letter #1

I don’t know what happened today, maybe I do know, I was at work, to be exact everything got weird when I went to buy my lunch, to be even more exact while I was walking to the restaurant, a huge wave of emotion hit me, a tsunami of feelings, thoughts, and memories, all at the same time, and covered every other thought I had on my mind, that in enormous wave was consist of my feelings, and dreams of you, at first, everything felt good, I love thinking of you, remembering you, fly in that private sky full of bitter sweet memories, memories I keep telling myself even if I lived 10 more lives after this one, I would never feel again, as I’m flying high in my private clear sky, a reality storm started to approach and all the questions of when? how? and what? started to rain all over my happy place… When th

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

         11 months ago I went to Las Vegas with few friends to celebrate the New Year, we headed to a party at a night club called "Marquee" it was beautiful, very luxurious, and spacious, there was so many people, all dancing, partying, drinking and having the best time of their lives, including my friends, except for me, the first thing I looked for was the bar, but there was many bars, I walked and walked, from one floor to another, until I found the perfect bar, not so many people, beautiful bat tender, it felt like its the prefect spot to sit, drink, and travel in my thoughts.  

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Never Mind The Older Posts

So yeah, I guess I'm back. Even though it's me, the same person who's been using this blog since 2005, but I'll be different in a way! Never mind the older posts. 
I've changed a lot this year, mentally, and I realized the only way to be happy is not to give a fuck, it is easy and effective way to be happy, and live a headache free life.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


I need to get off work early today! Really need that, I can't see nothing straight right now, I don't want to believe what I'm seeing! Or What I'm hearing. Deciving myself is what's giving me the little comfort I need to keep going. It's so obvious for everyone else, yet so blurry for me! I just don't believe, won't be, and won't believe. Im losing everything, this is my life ensing one minute at a time, as Tylor Durden said! I need to get off work now, I need to drink the pain out of my system. But I won't, I will stay with the pain, I won't shut it off, this is my pain, and I'm not going to miss it. It's only after we've lost everything we are free to do anything! Reading, and watching fight club, best novel and movie for my right in this moment.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012


2012 I it started by me blacking out, but I also decided to make this year a year of change! Starting with the way I eat, and ending with the way I deal with people. After I moved to the United States I managed to gain almost 30 pounds within 2 months, first I was glad that I was able to gain weight that fast, but I started to gain weight in the wrong places such as having a big fast belly! It made me look so typical Iraq! So I decided to change my diet, from eating fast food everyday, and drinking Pepsi almost everyday, to eating brown rice, brown bred, no chocolate, no sugar, broccoli. and eating either boiled or grilled meat and chicken breast! and that helped me lose weight, and also gain muscles faster! I've been working for almost 2 months straight, and I never felt better mentally and physically, my hopes and wishes that I'll remain working out, and keep the diet for at least another 3 or 4 months. It's the first time I kinda stick to a new year's resolution, and see myself changing because of it, I'm so proud of myself in these 3 months.

My second decision was to be able to start a career, a career in something I kinda like, after heavy thinking I found out that I like networking, and its the way to go since I live in the homeland of technology, I started to study to be a networking specialist, and hope I'll be able to work in the networking field by the end of this year <3.

Other resolution were to work hard in my current job, even though its fucked up, but I love it, and I enjoy doing it, so hope it will get me enough money to have a nice vacation soon! I decided not to do anything this summer, instead I'll save for an over seas trip, ether to Europe or Middle East AKA Family vs. Friends!