Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Is it possible?

Is it possible to think of nothing? Is it something we can achieve? Is there a state of mind we can reach to think of nothing? Is it possible when we lay in bed and close our eyes we don't see anything? Just see a blank page, It doesn't matter what color the page is, just a blank page! I don't know if this is the case for everyone, but when I go to bed every night and I close my eyes the back of my eyelids turns into a screen, a screen with negative colors, usually black and cyan, I see on this screen memories, ideas, and thoughts, the newest technology that was added to my eyelids screen is "Closed Caption"! When I close my eyes and remember what did I talk about with my friend last weekend the memories starts to stream without any audio but with closed caption! 

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Incomplete Letter #2


Here I am writing you another letter, it’s been awhile though since I wrote you one. why am writing you? Maybe it is just because I want to feel a little better. 
It is Saturday today, I spent the night away, I was on auto-pilot though, went out, met with friends, had random conversations, I was just going with the flow. Spacing out, closing in, life is feeling like the movie “Groundhog Day” every day is a copy of the previous day, same feelings, nothing is healing, same jokes, same same same same, everything is the same, even the new people I meet are the same. 
Sometimes I feel like I have felt everything I’m ever going to feel and from here on out, I’m not going to feel anything new, just a lesser version of what I already felt, Do you know what do I mean? What I felt with you was the highest point of feelings I can have,  with you I was up in the clouds, even higher, everything after you is so much lower than how things were when you were part of my life. I tell myself this life I’m living is not what I wanted, this is not what I want today, or tomorrow, what I really want is you, but then I tell myself the past is just a story, most stories we read then we forget, but this story I deeply love, I’m scared I might get to the last chapter, so I’m reading it slowly now, one word at a time, I want to write another chapter, but life, God, the tied, luck, or all are going against me, 

Incomplete Letter #1

I don’t know what happened today, maybe I do know, I was at work, to be exact everything got weird when I went to buy my lunch, to be even more exact while I was walking to the restaurant, a huge wave of emotion hit me, a tsunami of feelings, thoughts, and memories, all at the same time, and covered every other thought I had on my mind, that in enormous wave was consist of my feelings, and dreams of you, at first, everything felt good, I love thinking of you, remembering you, fly in that private sky full of bitter sweet memories, memories I keep telling myself even if I lived 10 more lives after this one, I would never feel again, as I’m flying high in my private clear sky, a reality storm started to approach and all the questions of when? how? and what? started to rain all over my happy place… When th

Tuesday, November 5, 2013



         11 months ago I went to Las Vegas with few friends to celebrate the New Year, we headed to a party at a night club called "Marquee" it was beautiful, very luxurious, and spacious, there was so many people, all dancing, partying, drinking and having the best time of their lives, including my friends, except for me, the first thing I looked for was the bar, but there was many bars, I walked and walked, from one floor to another, until I found the perfect bar, not so many people, beautiful bat tender, it felt like its the prefect spot to sit, drink, and travel in my thoughts.  

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Never Mind The Older Posts



So yeah, I guess I'm back. Even though it's me, the same person who's been using this blog since 2005, but I'll be different in a way! Never mind the older posts. 
I've changed a lot this year, mentally, and I realized the only way to be happy is not to give a fuck, it is easy and effective way to be happy, and live a headache free life.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Haywire

I need to get off work early today! Really need that, I can't see nothing straight right now, I don't want to believe what I'm seeing! Or What I'm hearing. Deciving myself is what's giving me the little comfort I need to keep going. It's so obvious for everyone else, yet so blurry for me! I just don't believe, won't be, and won't believe. Im losing everything, this is my life ensing one minute at a time, as Tylor Durden said! I need to get off work now, I need to drink the pain out of my system. But I won't, I will stay with the pain, I won't shut it off, this is my pain, and I'm not going to miss it. It's only after we've lost everything we are free to do anything! Reading, and watching fight club, best novel and movie for my right in this moment.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

2012

2012 I it started by me blacking out, but I also decided to make this year a year of change! Starting with the way I eat, and ending with the way I deal with people. After I moved to the United States I managed to gain almost 30 pounds within 2 months, first I was glad that I was able to gain weight that fast, but I started to gain weight in the wrong places such as having a big fast belly! It made me look so typical Iraq! So I decided to change my diet, from eating fast food everyday, and drinking Pepsi almost everyday, to eating brown rice, brown bred, no chocolate, no sugar, broccoli. and eating either boiled or grilled meat and chicken breast! and that helped me lose weight, and also gain muscles faster! I've been working for almost 2 months straight, and I never felt better mentally and physically, my hopes and wishes that I'll remain working out, and keep the diet for at least another 3 or 4 months. It's the first time I kinda stick to a new year's resolution, and see myself changing because of it, I'm so proud of myself in these 3 months.

My second decision was to be able to start a career, a career in something I kinda like, after heavy thinking I found out that I like networking, and its the way to go since I live in the homeland of technology, I started to study to be a networking specialist, and hope I'll be able to work in the networking field by the end of this year <3.


Other resolution were to work hard in my current job, even though its fucked up, but I love it, and I enjoy doing it, so hope it will get me enough money to have a nice vacation soon! I decided not to do anything this summer, instead I'll save for an over seas trip, ether to Europe or Middle East AKA Family vs. Friends!  

Monday, April 2, 2012

Let them haters hate.



I don't really believe in something called haters! Because I don't any person for his or her success or their hard work. On the contrary you always see me support people, and try to encourage them to work even harder.

So what's happening with me from the closest people to me is the opposite! I started to work lately almost 60 hours a week, aka 7 days a week, I gave up my weekend, and my fun time, all I'm doing is working, studying for the stupid networking, go to the gym, and in between I squeeze in futurima and FB. But with all that, I'm looking for another full time job, I apply for different jobs every day, I do interviews, but thinks doesn't really work out. Until today I received a phone call from a big retail store scheduling an interview for a supervisor position I applied for. And because I'm so nice and naive, as soon as I saw my Iraqi so called friends, I told them about the good news ( good news for me). Usually when you tell your friends something you are excited about, they get happy for you, and support you! Or this is at least how things works in my mentally challenged world. But instead my close dear friends tried to talk me out of the interview, and not to work a lot because its really hard for me, and I should either study or work!! It might sound somewhat normal to say such things, but I never really complained about working hard, or not being able to manage my life!! Yet they kept telling me that I can't do it and I'll fail, because they tried to work hard but they failed!! The thing they forgot is I am not them, I believe there's nothing I can't do if I put my mind and heart into it, all I need to do is believe in myself, and never quit no matter what people say I can or can't do!

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Only if

Only if I can speak it out,
Only if I can say it out loud,
Only if I can let everybody know,
Only if I can fall asleep,
Only if I can stop thinking,
Only if I can have my real friends back,
Only if I can have a new life,
Only if I can smile for real,
Only if I can have her,
Only if I can stop this nonsense.